The idea of “no strings attached” burst into popular culture a decade ago when In a movie about pursuing a hookup-only relationship and, because it’s Hollywood, eventually falling in love, Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher starred.
An NSA or No Strings Attached relationship means a completely casual connection based upon sexual desires alone.
However, in reality, the goal of NSA relationships is to avoid getting into long-term, committed relationships. Typically, neither partner wants anything that even hints at exclusivity or commitment; they just want something very casual. Let’s just say that, unlike in the movies, an NSA relationship rarely results in romance.
Of course, any relationship that deviates from the norm can seem a little difficult, especially as you’re navigating dating websites and new partners. Do you need some assistance determining whether NSA is the right fit for you? In order to help you determine whether an NSA relationship is right for you, we asked two sex therapists to describe what an NSA relationship entails.
What Does “No Strings Attached” (NSA) Mean?
First, let’s look at a straightforward definition of an NSA relationship. “No-strings-attached connections are sexual in nature with no underlying romantic relationship,” says An accredited sex therapist is Indigo Stray Conger. “An NSA situation can undoubtedly be healthy if you find someone with whom you are sexually compatible and who satisfies some of your sexual desires.”
You might be wondering, How does this differ from a friends-with-benefits relationship? Aren’t they both sexual relationships that lack romance and monogamy? Not necessarily; the most casual of casual relationships, no strings attached, functions best in the absence of an established friendship.
“There is no relationship in no strings attached,” says Joseph LaFleur is a therapist with a focus on LGBTQ+ relationships who practices in Washington, DC. “Typically, there is little interaction outside of sex between the two previously unknowing individuals who hook up.” It’s strictly about sex; this isn’t a friendship with benefits arrangement where you two go out to dinner after having sex and text each other funny memes in between encounters.
How to Decide If You Should Pursue An NSA Relationship
If no strings attached sounds right for you but you’re apprehensive about taking the next steps, consider whether that’s due to preconceived ideas about the term. Conger claims that how society views traditional relationships has an impact on how we view the NSA. “Our sex-negative culture pairs sex inextricably with romance, when the two interests do not necessarily have to go hand in hand,” she says.
She believes that individuals can engage in casual sex without expecting it to lead to a monogamous or committed relationship. So long as you both enter it voluntarily, it can be enjoyable for its own sake.
Prepared to investigate your options? You’re probably prepared to investigate an NSA relationship if you fit the following five requirements.
1. You Know Yourself and What You Need.
NSA agreements are not popular with everyone. Some people want the formal first date, the cuddling and the vulnerable late-night talks. LaFleur advises that you examine yourself to determine what is best for you in light of this. “Pursuing a no-strings-attached relationship with a sexual partner is a personal decision,” he says. “While some people are able to separate sex from emotional closeness, others crave it. It all depends on how you are wired.”
2. You Don’t Have Time for a Committed Relationship.
The possibility of a genuine relationship isn’t always present. Life gets busy or you’re frustrated with online dating. Even friendships with benefits seem difficult. “If you don’t have the time or energy for a full-blown relationship, or the right person simply hasn’t come along but you would like to get your sexual needs met, then an NSA relationship might be for you,” Conger says.
3. You Want to Explore New Kinds of Relationships.
According to Conger, NSA can be effective when one partner in a relationship seeks something that their current partner is unable to provide. “Seeking a consensually open relationship with an NSA partner may be the solution to feeling fulfilled if your romantic relationship does not satisfy all of your sexual needs and your current partner agrees that you should look elsewhere to satisfy those needs.”
4. You Can Be Honest With a Partner.
The best course of action in any situation, whether it involves a long-term commitment or a one-time encounter, is to be honest. You and your partner need to be on the same page, whether it’s a one-time thing or a regular hookup. “Most people know what NSA means: sex without expectations,” LaFleur says. “However, if one party approaches the conversation with feelings for the other with the intent of changing the agreement, it may be unhealthy for that party. You ought to take someone at their word when they say they are searching for the NSA.”
Conger agrees. “As long as you’re clear upfront with what the relationship is and is not, and continue to check in as feelings may evolve, an NSA setup can be extremely satisfying,” she says.
5. You’re Willing to Put Sexual Health First.
You should always feel confident enough to prioritize sexual health whenever you’re approaching a situation where you or your partner may have multiple sexual partners. This includes talking about birth control, boundaries, STIs, and STDs. An NSA relationship might not be right for you if you’re not prepared to do that.
What You Should Know About NSA Relationship
- If you’re the jealous type, this arrangement won’t work for you.
Be honest with yourself. Nobody wants to admit that they occasionally experience jealousy, but if it has a tendency to occur frequently in previous relationships, you don’t want to put yourself in this predicament. Your partner may meet and have sex with other people with your consent if you use NSA. You should avoid NSA situations if something inside of you feels uncomfortable about them (which is completely normal), as you’ll probably end up hurting their feelings.
- Keep in mind that no one can be persuaded to change.
Relationships undergo change, but if you count on your NSA partner settling down with you, you’re deluding yourself. But when you initially agree that there won’t be any conditions attached, you should take that at face value. Sure, it’s possible for him or her to realize that you’re the one while still engaging in sexual activity. Psychology Today reports that about 60% of college students have an NSA relationships at some point, but only 10 to 20% of them develop into long-term romantic partnerships. Therefore, although it’s possible, the chances aren’t really in your favor.
- Condoms are a must.
Some people don’t like having sex with a condom, and that’s typically fine if they’re in a long-term, monogamous relationship. While there are plenty of birth control methods that can help prevent pregnancy, the only method right now to avoid the spread of sexually transmitted diseases are condoms. If you feel comfortable starting an NSA relationship, you should be proactive about your sexual health and make sure you and your partner agree to use condoms to prevent an infection or disease that could affect you for the rest of your life.
- A relationship with an NSA can help you learn more about your own sexuality.
Sex is a natural part of life, and it’s nothing anyone should be ashamed of. A relationship with an NSA may be beneficial for you if you’re open to exploring your own sexuality and prioritize the physical rather than the emotional aspects of a relationship. There are subtle differences between each sexual partner. Sometimes, you can love someone but not be a sexually compatible match, which is a tough situation to navigate. Before getting married, you can learn about your unique turn-ons and educate yourself about your sexual drive, which is an important aspect of your personality, by having one or two NSA relationships.
- You have to monitor your emotions when using NSA.
You still have a voice even if you’ve agreed to NSA relations. You’re under no obligation to stay in a relationship if you don’t feel safe there, or to use NSA and find it uncomfortable. You must occasionally check in with yourself to make sure the arrangement is still beneficial to you. It’s acceptable if the idea has lost its appeal to you.
Some people in NSA relationships realize they’re a lot happier with something a little steadier. Many people equate sex with love and discover that it’s more difficult than they initially thought to keep the two separate. You must be sincere with both your partner and yourself if those feelings start to creep in.
- If you’re a person who is naturally busy, NSA relationships might be a good fit.
It’s unfortunate that a day only has 24 hours. If you’re career-oriented, you might not have a lot of time to invest yourself emotionally in another person. However, that does not imply that your romantic life should suffer. You can enjoy all the advantages of a physically intimate relationship with NSA without having to stress out about dating, meeting the parents, or whether or not you want to have children in the future. Since everyone involved in a no strings attached relationship is aware that it may end abruptly, it is also much simpler to end an arrangement if you feel the need to.
- If you try an NSA relationship with a friend, you might risk the friendship.
Many people begin their first NSA relationship with a friend with whom they want to conduct a test run. Compared to someone they may have met online, there is already some trust and knowledge between friends. Because of this, the phrase “friends with benefits” is frequently used interchangeably and without restriction.
Hooking up with a friend is normal and healthy, but you need to be ready for the relationship to formally end. Even if you promise that the sexual things won’t affect your friendship, it will change the way you interact with one another slightly. After engaging in an NSA relationship, some people can continue to be friends, but the majority might find it strange to resume their previous friendships.
Sometimes, until you’re actually in an NSA relationship, you simply can’t tell if it will work for you. They can be incredibly empowering for people who view sex recreationally, but have the potential to bring on some heartache to people who feel like love is a major aspect of a sexual relationship. You’ll be able to determine whether or not an NSA relationship is ideal for you.
Know When It’s Time to Move On
Maybe you’ve done everything mentioned above, had a great time, and now you want to call it quits. When a relationship with the NSA is no longer productive, what do you do? You may not feel the need to officially break up when you’ve never technically been together. Instead, things will probably fizzle out after one or a few meetings.
The most crucial thing is to regularly assess whether the arrangement is still beneficial to both you and your partner. “If you would prefer to be in a relationship based on more than sex, the sooner you bring it up, the better,” Conger says. “It is possible that your NSA partner also has evolving feelings, but if not, the sooner you move on, the sooner you can meet a compatible partner.”